The Jerry Jones “Defense”

Coming to terms with what our worst moments say about who we really are

I'm getting a little tired of the "Not Who I Really Am" defense. First, President Trump excused his lewd Access Hollywood comments to Billy Bush by explaining that "those words don't reflect who I am." Then Dustin Hoffman kinda-sorta apologized for sexually harassing writer Anna Graham Hunter with the same, "It's not reflective of who I am." And recently Jerry Jones, owner of the Dallas Cowboys, offered an unconvincing mea culpa for a racial "joke" with what is by now a tired trope: "It's not who I am."

I don't buy it, not one bit. Here's the thing, Dusty, Jer, and Mr. President: We are our most honest selves in those private, unguarded moments when we think nobody is watching. Those private moments are far more reflective of our character (or lack thereof) than any public so-called "apology," which is surely written by publicists and specially crafted to rehabilitate our professional image. To offer this excuse (and it is an excuse, not an apology) is to miss a tremendous opportunity to come to terms with the kind of people we really, truly are. We ARE our private actions. They came from somewhere inside of us. As Jesus says, "Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." (Or, to modernize this a bit, "Out of the overflow of the heart, the hand gropes.")

If I want to take credit for my best moments, I have to take responsibility for my worst ones—some of which have been really terrible. To suggest that those moments are not reflective of who I am would be a lie. Apparently I AM the type of person who yells angrily at my kids, fantasizes about pretty women, and thinks hateful—even racist—things about other people. That's not not-who-I-am. That is EXACTLY who I am. I am the kind of person that does terrible things. So is Dustin Hoffman. So is President Trump. So is Jerry Jones.

And so are you. To pretend otherwise is to lie to yourself, yet again. Please don't. Whether it's the mercy of God or others' that you crave, it can't be given (let alone received) until you admit, without equivocation, that you are the person you truly are: a sinner in need of grace. Yes, God wants to forgive us. Many of our victims do, too. But they want to forgive the people we actually are...not the people we pretend to be.

-MRH